Lost Scattered and Confused

Today I was scrolling through my Facebook browser and I noticed that one of my friends is newly engaged. I wondered to myself: “What is it about someone else’s life events that make you question your own?” I feel obligated here to insert that I was happy for her. Even though that’s true I wonder why I feel obligated to say it? I started to look at my own life. I’ll be thirty in December, I don’t have a job, no kids, and I’ve never been married. The part that sticks out like a sore thumb is that I am almost thirty and I am unemployed. I never knew that so much of my value is tied up into what I do for a living. I feel lost scattered and confused and I have no idea how to get out of the feeling. I decided to bring it here. I know that I’m not the only person that’s going through this experience. I am hoping that if any of you have experience with what it takes to come back from the depths of unemployment and the affects of unemployment like depression, weight gain, and low self-esteem could lend a helpful tip. I’d appreciate it. Thanks for stopping by and let’s talk again soon.

Broken_glass

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The Friend Zone

Two months ago I grew tired of sitting at home all alone so I decided to upload some dating apps. I’d already been connected to OkCupid, so I decided to download tinder and POF(plenty of fish). As many of you know by now I am Queer. That’s why when it came time to choose dating preferences I chose to pick men and women to date. The only problem was that on my POF app I could only choose men and women separately and not together. One day while I was under the “interested in women” preference I stumbled across a woman who I will choose to call Lemonade. Lemonade and I hit it off and we began to speak on the phone. We would speak for long periods of time but during one of our conversations Lemonade revealed to me that she was both still seeing her ex and sleeping with one other lover on the side. It was clear to me that she had baggage but I became confused because we spoke everyday for hours. Finally we met in person. When we met she threw a few playful pokes in my direction and afterward in my mind I believed that our relationship would take off (was I crazy).

A week later I went away for a trip to NYC and during one of my conversations with Lemonade I revealed that I was interested in pursuing romantic pursuits. She told me that she just wanted to be my friend. Now what you must know about her is that no one had ever tried to just be friends with Lemonade. I on the other hand had been placed in the friend zone too many times to count. I could feel the tensions rising. After my trip to New York I was back safely at home and texting Lemonade. She was talking to me about her niece and she sent the text “I could never be a parent.” My response was “I think we would have great sex.” A fight ensued and we stopped speaking for awhile. I deleted her phone number with the intention of never speaking to her again but  sometime later she called me and said that I never hit her up anymore. She was confused as to why I didn’t immediately know who she was when she called. I wondered is there some chain of command that creates the desired and people who desire them? Are we supposed to accept the friend zone and have someone in our lives to the extent that they are capable of being around? Whatever the case no good ever comes from it. Since Lemonade has reentered my life I’ve tried to reach out to her a few times and now she ignores me. It’s becoming clearer to me as time progresses that if two people are not on the same page there’s really no point in reading the book. And I want out of the friend zone! Thanks for stopping by and let’s talk again soon.

say-no-to-the-friend-zone

What is it about D*ck?

A few weeks ago I met a man. In my opinion he was okay. He did what men typically do towards me. He said a few cheesy lines and then he asked me for my phone number. Initially when we began to text I felt totally uninterested. Then something weird happened. He had showered me in all of these compliments and with all these text that made me smile, and then suddenly because I wasn’t biting back he simply stopped texting me. I had not  been interested but when the text stopped suddenly this guy seemed like a rare gem. Suddenly I started to reach out and even flirt a bit during our exchanges. It got me to thinking. Do nice guys really finish last? Is it true that in order to receive a woman’s attention a man needs to ignore her first. Is ignoring a woman the new normal?  Does it prove a man’s normalcy? Does it mean he’s not desperate? What is it about dick that makes dating so very complicated? whatever the case I thought it would be nice to bring here. I’d love to hear some other opinions. Thanks for reading. That’s all for now.

Keep Calm

Blank Space

Three months ago I lost my job. I feel so much shame in the admission of those words. I didn’t meet my job’s standards and I was let go. As a result I feels as though I’m not good enough for anything in life. I’ve been sitting around lackluster and lacking the willingness to get up and try again. It feels like the end of the world. The reason I’m sharing this is because I may not be the only person who feels this way about job status. I didn’t know it then but my work made me feel worth something. Years before working it was my college status that made me feel worth something. I’ve never been worth something simply due to the fact that I take up space on this planet. Maybe that’s the reason for this post. I need to leave it somewhere. I need to share that I am currently not working and it sucks and it’s hard but maybe it’s exactly where I need to be. I also need to bite the bullet and blog because I haven’t in a really long time. For awhile going forward I plan to use this blog space to share extraordinary in my ordinary experience. I want to know if I really am living in a blank space or if there is color in my world even when it feels bland. Look out for the new experiment and thank you for reading. Until next time. I’m done for now.

BLANK SPACE NEW LOGO_BlackOutline

The Only Constant…

Is change. Or so I have been told my whole life. I feel grateful to take a moment to write in this blog space. I am happy to share what has been going on with you all. It may be brief, but at least I get to leave it here. Two years ago I was in this space sharing deep and personal challenges with all of you. The feedback has been amazing. I never knew that other people would be so receptive of my writing. Thank you. Lately I have been facing new levels of challenge. I’ve started a career in teaching, and I also started working in a graduates program. It is hard to share the success because then I am responsible for it. Still, the truth is I have changed (see below).

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It feels scary to change. It is uncomfortable to transform. Yet both change and transformation are happening in my life and I am excited to bring it here to you all to share. No real specifics in this post, but trust there will be more to come.

The thing is at least for me willingness to change takes real courage. It doesn’t mean that we never feel fear. The most influential people in history knew this truth and they were of service to a lot of people. I hope than in continuing to post in this blog I will be of service to you too. Blog flaws and all. Thank you for stopping by.

“1” Is the Loneliest #Number

I feel lonely. Often; I feel lonely. For this reason I would like to delve into the topic of loneliness. This month’s upcoming series is “Love versus Fear,” and I am learning that it takes a fuckton of love to allow ones’ self to be lonely. It takes even more courage for said loneliness to be okay. I intentionally choose the word loneliness instead of saying lonesomeness because for me, loneliness is a feeling that occurs from moment to moment. On the other hand, lonesomeness is a state of being. It is a general disposition within one’s self that is hard to shake. I am not lonesome. I am lonely. Sometimes I am so lonely that it brings me to a fetal position. It triggers beliefs systems within me, and it brings me to myself more and more each time. Ultimately, being lonely always leads me to me.

For me it takes radical “self-love” to not judge myself during these processes. It also takes an abundant amount of determination to continue my self-care practices as I navigate the experience of feeling alone. My brain tells me that I am not okay. It says to me that I’m not okay because I am not in a relationship. It also says to me that lonely is a “bad or wrong” feeling. “Why aren’t you happy?” Says the ego, but as I’ve learned, the ego is not the truth because the ego is an illusion. I have been single for 2 years. I ended my relationship with my ex girlfriend because she was not physically attracted to me. She would say to me: “I love your energy! You have a beautiful soul, but I am not physically attracted to you.” Can you imagine sharing nearly 1 year of your life with someone who does not love your whole being? Can you imagine someone who tells you that your internal universe is enough, but that your outsides don’t quite measure up? Let me be the first to tell you that it is not a nice feeling. It also feels important to say that my ex girlfriend is not the only lover that I’ve had in my life to communicate these words to me. So what have I done? I have become lonely.

I am lonely because ultimately loneliness always leads me back to Brittaney. I have to love myself. Scratch that, in actuality, I choose to love myself. Sometimes that love looks like me putting myself to bed on time (alone if I might add). Sometimes it looks like me choosing to simply sit quietly with myself instead of watching TV, or playing around with other frivolous tasks. As a result, I feel the most intense loneliness that I have ever felt in my life. I believe I feel this way because for the first time in my life I choose to love and to fall in love with myself; I’m human so there are moments when I seek validation, fulfillment, and/or compromise from others and it never works…One of my mentors talks about life in the desert. In the dry harsh desert it feels like nothing is happening. Sometimes my loneliness says the same thing about my life. It feels hard, and it seems impossible to tolerate. In actuality the desert is teaming with life! In actuality these desert experiences for me are becoming the place where I truly get to experience my grit! Whoever is fortunate enough to partner with me best be damn gritty as well!

The thing is, at least for me is that loneliness is not a punishment. Loneliness is an opportunity. As I take this time to be with Brittaney, I get to be who I am right now. I want to fall in love with my current circumstances. At this time in my life I am single, I do not have children, and I experience multiple addictive habits that I have to address on a daily basis. Still, the truth is that it won’t be this way forever. So for today, I hope to fall in love with lonely. In lonely I find my revolution, and loving myself in spite of what seems like circumstances that will last “forever,” is one heck of a radical choice for me! So here’s to feeling lonely. May I learn all that it has to offer. Thank you for stopping by and let’s talk again soon.

A Sunday Kind of Love

Hi all! Did you get through it? Yes I am talking about Valentines Day. Well none the less here’s my experience on 2/14/15. I hope you enjoy it. I woke up single, but something was different. I didn’t believe that the day was about to be sad and lonely I was excited to wake up to myself. Dare I say I was even grateful to be single. I went out of the house and decided to choose love over fear. Later in the day I was running to catch a bus in the snowy streets of New York City (Brooklyn). It wasn’t the best plan and I fell right in the middle of the street!Then I heard the mantra again “Today I will choose love over fear.” I looked up and right in front of me was the most inviting boutique in Bedstuy (http://www.peaceandriot.com) that I’d have missed had I caught the bus. I had a serendipitous moment of sorts with myself and I bought myself this (see below).

love

Loving gift to myself

Later in the day I headed home in the streets of a still snowing NY. I stopped at the grocery store and headed to my apartment to clean and prepare dinner for myself. As I was cleaning I had a moment. I stopped looked out the window as the snow dropped against my Brooklyn window seal I could hear John Legend crooning “Ordinary People” in the background and the smell of inscents and aroma therapy (lavender) filled my nostrils, and then it hit me. Me, myself and I have a Sunday kind of love.

The thing is, at least for me, loving myself is an experience that I can have without the permission of others. Loving myself is an adventure. Today I invite everyone to recognize themselves and to see that when it’s all said and done the person you came in with will be the same person that you leave with too. It’s you! I invite us all to love ourselves! It’s a gift to the world. Thanks for stopping by and let’s talk again soon!

All Feelings Valentines Day!!!

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