“1” Is the Loneliest #Number

I feel lonely. Often; I feel lonely. For this reason I would like to delve into the topic of loneliness. This month’s upcoming series is “Love versus Fear,” and I am learning that it takes a fuckton of love to allow ones’ self to be lonely. It takes even more courage for said loneliness to be okay. I intentionally choose the word loneliness instead of saying lonesomeness because for me, loneliness is a feeling that occurs from moment to moment. On the other hand, lonesomeness is a state of being. It is a general disposition within one’s self that is hard to shake. I am not lonesome. I am lonely. Sometimes I am so lonely that it brings me to a fetal position. It triggers beliefs systems within me, and it brings me to myself more and more each time. Ultimately, being lonely always leads me to me.

For me it takes radical “self-love” to not judge myself during these processes. It also takes an abundant amount of determination to continue my self-care practices as I navigate the experience of feeling alone. My brain tells me that I am not okay. It says to me that I’m not okay because I am not in a relationship. It also says to me that lonely is a “bad or wrong” feeling. “Why aren’t you happy?” Says the ego, but as I’ve learned, the ego is not the truth because the ego is an illusion. I have been single for 2 years. I ended my relationship with my ex girlfriend because she was not physically attracted to me. She would say to me: “I love your energy! You have a beautiful soul, but I am not physically attracted to you.” Can you imagine sharing nearly 1 year of your life with someone who does not love your whole being? Can you imagine someone who tells you that your internal universe is enough, but that your outsides don’t quite measure up? Let me be the first to tell you that it is not a nice feeling. It also feels important to say that my ex girlfriend is not the only lover that I’ve had in my life to communicate these words to me. So what have I done? I have become lonely.

I am lonely because ultimately loneliness always leads me back to Brittaney. I have to love myself. Scratch that, in actuality, I choose to love myself. Sometimes that love looks like me putting myself to bed on time (alone if I might add). Sometimes it looks like me choosing to simply sit quietly with myself instead of watching TV, or playing around with other frivolous tasks. As a result, I feel the most intense loneliness that I have ever felt in my life. I believe I feel this way because for the first time in my life I choose to love and to fall in love with myself; I’m human so there are moments when I seek validation, fulfillment, and/or compromise from others and it never works…One of my mentors talks about life in the desert. In the dry harsh desert it feels like nothing is happening. Sometimes my loneliness says the same thing about my life. It feels hard, and it seems impossible to tolerate. In actuality the desert is teaming with life! In actuality these desert experiences for me are becoming the place where I truly get to experience my grit! Whoever is fortunate enough to partner with me best be damn gritty as well!

The thing is, at least for me is that loneliness is not a punishment. Loneliness is an opportunity. As I take this time to be with Brittaney, I get to be who I am right now. I want to fall in love with my current circumstances. At this time in my life I am single, I do not have children, and I experience multiple addictive habits that I have to address on a daily basis. Still, the truth is that it won’t be this way forever. So for today, I hope to fall in love with lonely. In lonely I find my revolution, and loving myself in spite of what seems like circumstances that will last “forever,” is one heck of a radical choice for me! So here’s to feeling lonely. May I learn all that it has to offer. Thank you for stopping by and let’s talk again soon.

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