Crushing Crushes

I’ve had a school girl crush on a man for the last two weeks and it has taught me so much. I initially started to like him after hanging out one random night, just the two of us and realizing that he was a very attractive person. He is well balanced. He is physically attractive, smart, educated, and spiritually in tune with a Higher Power (God). It blew my mind to learn this about him and I wanted to be in his heat. I wanted to spend more time with him. It happened once more. We had a night of hanging out together. I remember at some point in our conversation he said to me “you’re beautiful.” Afterward he gave me a kiss on the cheek. It made me feel inspired and seen. Well I would love to report that since this time this man and I have been growing closer, actually the opposite has happened. Since our time together it seems that he has changed his mind and it totally confused and blindsided me. 

Image (I am real)

 

It also has taught me more than I would like to know about me and how I relate to men. The first thing I observed is the more he pulled away that stronger I came on to him, at first. I would purposefully find reasons to speak to him. I would be extra nice. I would try, try, and try again to recreate that same experience that we had before. Where was the man who thought I was beautiful? The second thing I noticed is that his lack of attention brought up so much around my relationship with men and how I have related to them my whole life. News flash one man does not represent every man that I have interacted with throughout my life’s history, and he ain’t my daddy! Lastly I noticed that I allowed how this man was experiencing me to determine my value. This observation was the most affecting and challenging to observe and accept and eventually change. I am valuable not because of, but instead with or without a man, clothes, money, etc. My value is more expansive than the material. I learned all of these things from not getting what I want.

 Image (I am learning)

The thing is at least for me. I won’t always get what I want. Sometimes I won’t get the guy; I won’t get the part, or the thing that I think matters to me the most. It can be crushing. But the truth is every experience provides exactly what I need because I am always receiving. The lessons that I have learned in the not getting what I want from this man are valuable. They provide so much opportunity to learn and know better for the next exchange. I am valuable. I am valuable with or without the validation of others. I am valuable because I am a live and here on the planet. That’s all it takes. Thanks for stopping by. Let’s talk again soon.   

Image ( I am valuable)

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