There’s Breathing and Then There’s Living

Three years ago I had a chance to kiss a boy. I loved him. And so, on one steamy hot rainy summer’s day I decided that I wouldn’t just tell him. I would kiss him. I ran across my college’s campus to his dorm, the only thing on my mind was how badly I wanted him in my arms. When I got there I knocked on his door breathing and bursting at the seams with nerves and excitement. When he opened the door to see me standing there he frowned: “What is it Brittaney?” I saw the look in his eyes and I stammered: “I…I…I…just wanted to see you.” I choked. I didn’t take the risk. I did eventually tell him about my feelings, but it wasn’t the same. I had missed my moment. The point of all of this is to say; the next time, if there is a next time that I have a moment like that I will take it. That’s what living is.  

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At least that’s what’s been coming up for me lately. It could be due to my recent involvement with a certain show (Grey’s Anatomy) or it could be because of my current circumstances. I have really been grappling with my mortality. I really only get one of these things called a life and it baffles me. What am I supposed to do with it? Then it dawned on me. There’s breathing; and then there’s living. I’ve been on this earth 26 years which means that I have probably taken billons of breaths. That’s cool, but if the sole purpose of my breathing is to exist in a mundane, unfulfilling, and incredibly dissatisfying routine I… refuse! There’s breathing and then there’s living. I have had it all wrong before. Nothing is more disappointing than wasted time.

So I created a blog. I created an outlet. I wanted to know what was missing. I’ll tell you what I discovered. I discovered that I spent more time trying to please others as a result I missed myself at every turn. I discovered that I spent a majority of my life being afraid to take up space because I didn’t want to offend anyone. I discovered that not once had I ever attempted anything worthwhile or risky! I discovered I was afraid to be wrong. I lost my mind more than a few times out of fear of being wrong. Now I know that there is no such thing as perfect. There’s just breathing, living, and learning. I want a better life.

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The thing is, at least for me living is risk. It’s messy and confusing. I now believe that it’s also worth it. I don’t know what the next risk will be. It may be a phone call to offer me that dream job that I never thought I could have. It may come in the form of love and having to actually attempt that big kiss. It may be an opportunity to just be myself in a group of strangers. Who knows? What I do know is that I am willing. I am willing to live. I am willing to have a better life. I am willing to be imperfect, to be authentic, messy, confused, and joyful! I am willing. There’s breathing and then there’s living. How’s that for food for thought? Thanks for stopping by and let’s talk again soon.   

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F.E.A.R of Eviction

F.E.A.R. False evidence appearing real or, if you will, Fuck everything and run! Well I’ve been thinking about fear lately. What occurred to me is that instead of running or creating a mountain out of a mole hill I’d bring the fear to this space.  This is because I’m certain that I’m not alone. My fear is of eviction. It’s actually really embarrassing to put out there but as I said I know that I’m not alone. It all seems so unfair. It makes me angry living in the unknown about my space and whether or not I will keep it. I have been looking for jobs. I also have a few gigs that are not active at the moment, but what baffles me is the amount of no that I’ve been receiving. People have just not been hiring me. As a result I am afraid.

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But here’s the thing. If this was three years ago and I was in this very same predicament I would have slept until it was over. I wouldn’t have made an effort to fight for my home. For those of you who are spiritual, I would have also prayed without taking action. Today that’s not my story. Today I take action! That’s what I wanted to share about fear. I am afraid. I am super uncomfortable and embarrassed, but I am not delusional. Fear does not have to be a delusional experience. Today I can take action. A.C.T.I.O.N (advancing courageously through indecision obstacles and nerves) I just made that up. That way when it’s all clear, and an outcome occurs, I can rest easy knowing that I have done everything on my end to remedy the issue.

The thing is, at least for me I’m not perfect, and I can accept that I will probably never live this life without feeling some fear, but as I’m learning; courage is not the absence of fear, courage is feeling the fear and taking the action anyway. I don’t know what’s going to happen with my apartment. What I do know is that no matter what the outcome is I will come out on the other side braver. I will be a more evolved person than I was prior to this experience. I trust that there are no mistakes. As a former professor of mine would say, “There are no coincidences except in minute particulars.” I’m starting to believe that those particulars are the actions that I take! So I’m taking them. Thanks for stopping by and let’s talk again soon.

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Get Your Life Follow Up

Just in case you all were wondering everyone is encouraged to participate in the Get Your Life 30 day challenge. All you have to do is start. You know where your life is missing nourishment  Start there. : )

The “Get Your Life” 30 day challenge

I’ve noticed myself saying certain phrases: “I’m not about that life, gave me life, get your life, and I’m about that you fill in the blank life.” The most prominent of them all is “Get Your Life.” It all got me thinking. What if there was a get your life challenge? Would I participate? Yes I would. For those of you who may not know getting your life is a practice. It’s a lifestyle. It involves looking at your actual life (not to be confused with your down the road life) and seeing what is missing from it. It can be as simple as needing to drink more water or as extreme as learning to say no and set boundaries (saying no is extreme). Image

The point is only the person that is getting their life actually knows what needs to be got.That’s why I’m taking initiative. Instead of waiting for a celebrity like Beyonce or some other woman/person of color that people follow to suggest it. I’m going to put it out there. It’s called the 30 day “Get Your Life” challenge. For those of you who are interested. I know I am. First we’re going to take a suggestion from Julia Cameron’s “Artist’s Way.” Draw a circle divide it into six areas (it should look like a little pizza pie with six slices). Image

Now in each slice write one of the following words: romance, exercise, spirituality, career, adventure, and friends. Place a dot in each slice to the degree that you are satisfied. The closer the dot is to the inside of the pie the less satisfied you are. The outer rim indicates that you are greatly satisfied. Now connect the dots. Where is your life lacking satisfaction? What could create more balance for your life? Now, here’s the fun part! Once we know what’s missing we get to figure out ways to implement what’s missing into our lives! We get to get our lives for the next 30 days! If we like the changes we can decide after 30 days to continue. It starts today! “Get Your Life!”  The challenge ends June 11, 2013.Image

The thing is, at least for me. Most times I sit around waiting for someone to come along and fix what’s missing in my life, or tell me what’s missing for me. But the truth is I am my solution just as much as I am the problem. The only thing that stands in the way between me and my life is me. Living is a choice. Bringing clarity into my life for the next 30 days should be very helpful towards living my life instead of letting life live me. I look forward to the lessons. I look forward to getting my life. I hope you decide to “Get Your Life” as well. Thanks for stopping by. Let’s talk again soon.

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